Sulie's Journal

hmmm didnt think some ppl would know about this thing... oh well..

umm things seem to be looking up i guess... i've been in a better mood as well... maybe i was pmsing... who knows...

anyways its a great day outside... so i better get out there...

-cheers

i really like my boyfriends mom... shes practically done everything, and been everywhere... so shes basically pretty knowledgable... its great... the only thing that i think i dont like about her, or thats in her life at the moment, is the person she chose for her life partner... she doesnt have the usual partner either... i mean shes not straight... thats not really the problem though, the problem is that her life partner is totally wrong for her...

i could go on to say so many things about her, but the point is that, shes just not right for her... my boyfriends mom could do so much better... and im hoping she realizes this and takes action lol...

today i feel so totally great! i cleaned the whole house, got it smelling like roses lol, and it looks incredible... in a few days im gonna go shopping for new dressers, and couch slip covers, the couches dont really match so this is a cheap and fast way to make them hehe...

-cheers-

o.k, so im gonna try to think positively so that my blog isnt all negative, and so i can balance it all out!... anyways, i have this feature on here to look at random crap that people write, and ummm i found this... i wont say who wrote it or anything because that would be terrible... but goddd it made me laugh soooo hard!!!!

"My umbrella is broken. I feel sad about that because mine is a very pretty one. I need to find a new one today if possible. I have to take an umbrella with me whenever I go out."

i think i was too harsh on adam... i mean i guess you can have girls as friends without it meaning anything... im just too jealous... so im gonna try to work on that too...

-cheers-

o.k... so i didnt know what else to do... before i go off on everyone... so i figured i'd write in this thing...

adam and i arent doing so good... and he doesnt see that... what he doesnt know is that him talking to this girl all the time is affecting us... he doesnt even care though... im so close to just giving him an ultimatm... its either mandy or me... of coarse, he's picking her... he asked me not to ruin his friendship with her... i mean i dont mind him having girls as friends, its just that... he talks to this one all the time... when i mean all the time, i mean like they'll talk for like 7 hours straight... i mean whats not to love? shes cute i guess... and he says shes fun... but is she funner than me? have i become just some dull boring girlfriend?

i took the time to think about everything thats gone wrong in my life ya know? and well i mean i've been thinking about this for like a couple of weeks now... anyways, i always said that everything that has gone wrong in my life, whether it be relationships or whatever, has been because of... and well i'd just blame anyone... but i figured out that its never been anyone else... its just been me this whole time... i mean as people we have the power to do anything... well i guess that my power is just like messing up stuff... im pretty good at that... oh yea, and getting jealous...

and to be honest, i dont even know why im jealous.. i mean i trust him not to just go out and leave me... but man, so many men have freakin left or abused me... what if adam does the same??? i just keep thinking that... i mean this morning when i was trying to tell that girl something, he freakin hurt my wrists and almost broke both of my arms... over a girl??? be real here... he would care so much about this girl to hurt me, but yet, im being hurt all the time, and he doesnt go out and hurt anyone... i just find it so weird...

i dont want to resort to medication again... but sometimes i think that maybe being drugged up, is better than dealing with reality... because god knows that i have a hard time doing that... ya know, i've accepted my bad vision, and that i may not be so pretty, and that i may not be sooo skinny anymore... but what i cant accept is that some of my own family members would reject me... because of my albinism... that right there really makes me feel low... i mean i think about all this stuff all the time... every second of the day... i feel like my grandma is the only family i've got... i feel like if shes no longer around, then i wont really have a reason to live... or exist... because i wont have anymore family...

well this is getting too long and stupid... so i guess im stopping it here...

-cheers-

i duno how to really start these things...

ummm... i guess i've been sad for most of my life... my childhood was good yet bad... i mean i had like toys handed down to me, and some bought... i always had clothes, and food, and all that... i even had friends back then...

i got kidnapped twice, i really dont feel like saying by who though... and both those times i went without eating much... or much sleep... and if i did get sleep, well i was either too hungry or tired...

i was abused in a way that i wouldnt wish upon anyone... not even my worst enemy... i dont talk about that much, and i duno why...

i have a bad temper... i mean i dont like to wait for anyone... when i want something done it has to be done right away or im pissed at the world... i also dont like nosey people... even though im pretty nosey myself sometimes...

i dont like gay people, they freak me out.. i mean im ok with gay guys, but girls, well they freak me out!!!

i've been to therapy more times than i can count... but have stopped going because i cant find anything to say once im in there... either that, or my therapist at the time becomes too nosey, or gets too close to me... and i well, dont like letting anyone get too close...

i've been to the hospital for depression, or whatever it is that i have, more times than i can even believe... and everytime has been a waste... the first time i wouldnt talk, the second time, i kinda talked but... well... only said what i thought had to be said... and the last time i went, i faked everything... even made everyone believe i was ok...

no one liked me in school, some people thought i was too confident, other people thought i was a bitch, other people just didnt like me because of the way i looked... either way, the point is that, no one really liked me... i was like an outcast there... and i really cant figure out why...

i've faught with my parents more times than anyone... and i've drunken alcohol and done drugs more times than anyone... i mean i never did them to be "cool" i did them as a way out... as a way out of my sad, sad existance... i think everything i've done, whether good or bad, has been to escape reality...

i dont feel good enough, or pretty enough... for anyone... i dont feel like i deserve to be loved... and i dont feel like i deserve to be happy... and well lets face it, im not at all happy... but i can put on a smile that will light up a room with the snap of anyones fingers... and i can turn on the charm... i can be cool and popular with anyone... and i can make any guy like me... its really easy... all you do is act the way you think people want you to act..

i dont think im good at keeping friends... or relationships period... i lose friends cuz they say im too "fake"... i lost the one good guy i had because he said he didnt "know" the "real" me... so yea... its all my fault... i know..

i let the guy im with now know the real me, but i dont think he likes what he's getting... im rude, stubborn, mean... everything he's probably not... i feel like maybe i should have put on an act for him, like i did with my ex... and maybe things would be going great...

last time i saw my dad was about 6 months ago... and i cant believe time has gone by so quickly... last time i saw him before that, was ummm, about 4 months... and last time before that, was well... about 5 years... so he's really not my dad... but then again, who really considers their dad as their dad??? as for my mom, i saw her alot, she was just never there... "mentally"... shes not crazy or anything, she just has too many other things on her mind that are more important to her than her daughter... her oldest daughter might i add!!!

i have pretty crappy vision, and in public i dont like to show it... showing it is a sign of weakness... showing anything thats deep is a sign of weakness...

i have a terrible family... to them, if you're not happy 24/7, then there's something totally wrong with you... to them, im well, crazy... mixed up in the head... gone nuts... to them, im not normal... because i cant be happy 24/7.. they like to judge others a lot... mostly for the same mistakes they've made... isnt that ironic??? but they're the only family i've got, and i duno... guess you just have to accept it and move on...

i guess that about covers everything...

well there is something else bugging me... my current boyfriend talks to this grl all the time, i mean all the time... he even calls her baby... i find this to be extreemly wrong... but he doesnt even care... is something wrong with me??? no, nothings wrong with me... i guess im just scared that maybe he'll find her more interesting than me... because maybe she is... maybe im just not good for any guy...

i mean im not even pretty... and im sure a lot and i mean a lot of people can agree there!!! i mean i dont even know what he see's in me...

well i'll finish my thoughts some other time... its getting late... and i've already typed up a novel...

-cheers-